Do Nots and Donuts

It was still early in the day when the elderly man came through my line at the grocery store with a mixed assortment of items he wanted to buy, the last of which was three glazed donuts tucked inside a bakery bag, it's top carefully rolled closed. He was in the process of paying me when his wife suddenly showed up beside him, having stopped at the store unexpectedly and spotted him there. They smiled and chatted briefly...until she caught a glimpse of the bakery bag and rightly discerned its carefully concealed contents. Her demeanor changed instantly.

“You bought donuts?” she asked incredulously. “You knew we were going to have breakfast...”

“I know,” he stammered, “but I just wanted to get these.” It was obvious to me that for some reason, whether for health concerns or because they had made other breakfast plans, donuts were on a forbidden food list, and with the purchase he had clearly crossed an invisible line. Noting the look on her face, he turned back to me and said, “You don't do marriage counseling, do you? I think I'm going to need it...!”

On my next break I told the tale to my husband via text message, and his finger-tapped response to me was, “Wise counseling would have been to confiscate the donuts and bring them home to me for further study.”

I laughed as I read his reply and then shook my head, thinking to myself, “Men and their donuts. What are you going to do?” But the truth of the matter is that both men and women find themselves tempted with forbidden sweet treats, not just inside the grocery store, but within the boundaries of the marriage relationship as well. Taking the person standing beside you as your lawfully wedded spouse also entails promising not to engage in behavior that would in any way damage the relationship you have legally, emotionally and physically given yourself to. With every “I do” spoken at the altar comes an unspoken but equally binding “I do not” list that ensures the sanctity of the verbal commitment.

No two such lists are exactly alike. While there are some basic entries common to all; each couple's list is as unique as the individuals in the union, and it evolves over time. As the years go by, each marriage partner learns what upsets their spouse, and that item is then added to the list of actions and attitudes they have learned to avoid. Common sense counseling advises both couples to stay away from the items on the list if they do not want to upset their beloved.

We feed whatever we give our attention to, however, and if we are constantly focused on what we can't have or shouldn't do, soon that's all we think about. Those thoughts grow until they eventually become actions that can destroy in an instant the trust and compatibility in a marriage that took years of effort to build. A better way to marital happiness is to concentrate on developing the sweetness of the relationship itself so that you are not tempted to look elsewhere for the joys you have at home. Develop an “I do” list of actions that delight your wife or husband, and you will find that as the list grows, your happiness together does as well.

A day or two after the donut episode described above, I saw another man who regularly does the weekly shopping duties for his wife because she doesn't enjoy the trip to the store. Doing the chore for her is a simple way to make her happy. His visits always end the same way. As I slide each item across the scanner he says, “That one's for her...that one's for her...that one's for her...”, until we come to the last item, which is likewise always a couple of donuts in a wax paper bag. As I reach for those he always says, “And those are for me, my treat for doing her shopping!”

As he walked away, I realized that that man has found more than donuts in his bakery bag; he's learned that doing whatever he can to make the one he loves happy brings it's own reward.

“It is absolutely clear that God has called you to a free life. Just make sure that you don't use this freedom as an excuse to do whatever you want to do and destroy your freedom. Rather, use your freedom to serve one another in love...”

(Galatians 5:13-15 MSG)